My Pandemic Shift: Listening to the call

In the early days of the pandemic many changes were happening in workplace environments….and to people!   I was no exception. 

It was March of 2020 and I’d been reassigned from my job as a hand and upper extremity rehab therapist in an outpatient orthopedic clinic and transferred to an inpatient hospital to help with what was expected to be the first wave of COVID-19 to hit our area.

Driving to the hospital in the early mornings and heading into the building was a surreal experience. Approaching the campus, I could see the employees walking quietly out of the garage one by one and onto the long walkway towards the hospital; all were keeping their distance from one another and most staring down at their cell phones.

Once inside the building, we’d take turns getting our temperatures checked and, if needed, pick up a homemade donated mask from a table before walking into the main areas. Once again, we started walking in line further into the hospital; this time through a long corridor and everyone masked.

It felt as if I was walking through an odd dream where no one and nothing felt familiar. We were all having different personal experiences but in this same strange new world.

The days ahead were filled with uncertainty, confusion, unfamiliar faces, busy hospital units, quick slide show orientations and feelings of panic to learn it all by fire. I wanted to believe it was all going to end before we knew it; the ‘big wave’ would never arrive and I’d return to my home base, my patients and my specialty. I’d return to what I felt confident and skilled at doing.

As each day passed, I sensed my presence was temporary. It felt strange, as if I was saying goodbye before I even knew what was up ahead.

I hadn’t worked with or seen my coworkers back at the outpatient clinic in what felt like ages; I wondered if they were ok and if they were reassigned to another location as well. Maybe I’d call one of them that evening….but I’d always end up falling asleep early and sending everyone a silent blessing in my prayers; drifting off to sleep and wondering what the nex day would bring.

Each passing day left me feeling more and more disconnected in a peculiar way. I noticed everyone around me with a deeper sense of appreciation for everything they were doing. I had met an incredible talented team of therapists, nurses and administrative staff. It was a privilege to watch.

Now and again, I would receive sympathetic glances from others who hadn't been transferred to another location that seemed to say “I’m so sorry this is happening to you; but I’’m so glad it’s not me.” they’d walk away and find refuge in their familiar offices and cubicles.

I felt like saying “No, it’s ok! Really! I’m supposed to be here because I’m really supposed to go……I think.” Hmmm; that’s sounds weird I know.

It’s Time

I’m guessing what happened next was a similar scenario for many others…or was it?

It was the end of the workday and the stress in and around me had been building for weeks. There was no indication that I would return to my home base anytime soon; but deep down I felt as if it were all part of a plan.

I was walking alone down a hospital stairwell feeling thankful for another days end.

Suddenly, something that felt like a thick wall of soft but dense air had stopped me in my tracks. I just couldn’t bring myself to take another step.

I was confused as to what it could be and saw nothing unusual around me; then instantly felt a peaceful presence wash over me; softly telling me to trust in it and that it was time. I felt a strong knowing along with a sense of deep relief.

I walked out of the hospital that day knowing I would never be going back. It was a feeling of exhilaration as well as bewilderment of what had just happened.    

I drove away from the Cleveland Clinic’s main campus that day after more than three decades of amazing work experiences within it’s system; from the first day of being a young desk receptionist in my late teens to becoming and working as an Occupational Therapist (OT) and later obtaining the specialty as a Certified Hand & Upper Extremity Therapist (CHT). 

The many memories of people, patients and experiences were flashing like a picture show in my mind.  What will happen next? Was my career as a therapist over? Will I ever help and treat patients again? I was tired and felt completely burned out but full of excitement and energy at the same time.

“Honey, I’m home!  Guess what?!”

My ‘shift’ began in the middle of that hospital stairwell on April 22nd, 2020.  The awakening to a deeper sense of myself in the two years that followed was intense and incredible; it was also a very solitary journey.  How could I ever explain what had happened? What exactly was I sensing?  I had so many questions.

I began to journal my thoughts regularly and sought connection with others; mostly health professionals in my field. It seemed like there were growing masses of them on social media posting their experiences; many of them searching for alternative job settings for various reasons or leaving their professions altogether and onto a new path.

Watching tv and listening to news reports about the spreading of the virus seemed to fill people with fear, confusion and even anger. Many Ohioans were tuned in and glued to the daily 2pm program for live updates from our governor.

The stress on everyone’s faces seemed to flow into our living rooms and permeate our lives. Trying to make sense of it all through graphs, charts and homemade cloth masks that were starting to become personal fashion statements.

Slowing Down and Staying Calm

As the long, cold days of winter descended during the pandemic, I was experiencing a type of ‘tug of war’ with my emotions. I wanted to calm my thoughts and make more sense of it all; but I also wanted fast answers and quick decisions.  

It was nice to be home during this time for so many reasons; but on the other hand, not feeling productive doing what I loved, not seeing my patients or being able to follow up with them to see how they were progressing and feeling the loss of the social connection of a work family was beginning to take its toll.

The plug was pulled and I was the one who pulled it.

I began searching for guidance and clarity in understanding what to do next and how to do it. I knew I wasn’t going back to the traditional workplace environment as I knew it.

The simplest way to explain to others what had happened was to say that I retired myself after 33 years and moving on to something else I was being guided as well as drawn to do. True and understandable, right?

I just needed to find out what that was…

In true ‘therapist’ style, I began connecting with other therapists I had met through community online meetings and email.

I signed up for professional coaching sessions, attended live monthly virtual meetings, hired a web designer and continued taking online continuing education courses one after another to keep my license and certification current and valid.

I needed to somehow keep connected, busy and creative while the world was shutting down.

But…the more I tried to push it, the cloudier answers became.

I had to stop the spinning and slow it all down before the clouds turned into a solid wall.

I knew I had to let go to find what I was looking for.

I understand now, in hindsight, that I needed time and patience to work through a few things ( like old habits of thoughts/beliefs that develop over the years) that were keeping me from moving forward. Keeping me from letting in what was right for me and not someone else.

I remembered as a child and throughout my teenage years, I was often described as quiet and shy. I would often take comfort in imagining myself within a sort of quiet bubble in the middle of whatever was happening around me. I would just observe and enjoy the calmness within me.

I didn’t realize back then that it was my inner self…my spirit self that was calming me. I had often observed this type of calmness in my mother when she was praying. She was able to do this for what seemed like hours sitting in a church pew by herself.

Our spirit selves. Our souls. The part that never leaves us even after our physical bodies are gone.

It’s always there to guide us. It’s up to us to follow it’s guidance. It’s up to us to learn how to listen and feel for its answers.

So, I decided.

I’ll continue forward and listen.

I’ll continue to journal my thoughts…

Stay Calm  

It knows…I know it knows.

I’ll get quiet to listen.  I’ll know the answers by how I feel.  

No need to struggle.  Stay calm….

It whispers…

“I believe in your wellness

I see your path

I feel your joy

I know you can

I’ll take you there

Turn Around!

Follow me…”

I welcome you in joining me on my journey of the beginning of Heal Hand & Soul. 

It’s about how the pandemic shifted my focus as a hand and upper extremity rehab therapist to include shining a light on what it means to “have your health” in connection to who we are as unique individuals and the relationship we have with our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual selves.

It’s also about coming to know who you are, why you’re here and reconnecting with yourself and others.

I decided to start my blog with my own personal ‘pandemic shift’ story in hopes of inspiring others to share their stories, in their own way, for the purpose of positively supporting one another as well as inspiring each other to listen to the call towards the path that is uniquely your own…

Working in healthcare most of my life, I’ve come to believe that we all have a dominant quest for freedom, joy, health and independence as we get on with our lives; while keeping ourselves free from illness and outside of hospitals, doctors offices and care homes as much as possible for as long as possible in order to live and be our best selves.

Life is meant to be enjoyed…not endured!

Instructions for living an enlightened life - by Mary Oliver

“Pay Attention…Be Astonished…Tell About It”